I'm finally coming to realize. Im in a circle. I'm catching myself, too many times, constantly trying to pick up the peices to a [meaningless] broken puzzle, and trying to put everything back together. I hate myself for it. I'm stupid when it comes to this shxt. Why did I carry things this far? I'm so confused, it's rediculous. Why am I wrapped around this so tightly? It hurts like hell to even think of it. It's a different kind of pain. It's deep. That's the only word I can use to describe. It gives me this feeling. Like heartburn mixed with butterflies, the bad joined with the not so bad. I keep fighting [..yet loosing] for something that has already lost itself. I'm definately not ready to let go, even though I know I should. Even though, I know, I need to walk on my own two feet again, and stop hoping for what will never be the same again. It's been so fuxking long, and yet it seems like nothing has ever mattered. I feel like I've been dragged by a bus, for miles and miles, just to come to the end, a clift. Left to fall off, and die... alone. Its hard, you would not believe the pain. Its hard when your the one who's in so deep, and your also the one who gets stepped on, and abused mentally. I don’t want the end of us to be the end of me. I know I'm stronger than this. I know I'll find who my heart really was made for, and who was made for me. I need to give up, and give in to the fact that it's done. We're done. Before, a while ago, facing this..I'd rather die. But now, I have a better thing to live for, as of July 4th, 2007. Something I thank god everyday for. Something I count as my greatest gift ever. Something that completes me. Something that gives me that feeling that everything is worth living through in the end, good or bad. When everything seems inchangeable, I have someone who makes me happy, regardless. I have this one peice to my heart, I see it as the most important part, the part that keeps me alive. Every other part is wanted, yes. But this one? I can't live without this one.
Exactly how I feel, put into words...
"I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
'cause I put too much energy in him and me
Can’t wait til I get through this phase
'cause it’s killing me..
Too bad, we can’t re-write our own history
Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe i’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be..." -Keri Hilson "Energy"
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